Hello? Mum. Mum? I er ...

I know you can't hear me, but....

This isn't going very well is it? I don't know what to say.

If you could hear me... I mean, I could just tell you what s going on. But...

I'd want to say something more important than that. I'd want to say... I don't know. I honestly don't know. I mean...

This is stupid.

You can't hear me and I don't have anything to say. I'm not very good at this. Sorry.

What would I say? What should I say? What could anyone say without it sounding just stupid or something? Banal.

I can hear you now, taking the piss out of me using that word. Its not a big word, but we'd never really use K in our house, would we?

Its the only time I hear your voice these days, telling me off for things that used to bug you.

Once in a while I wake up hearing you shout my name, like your ghost has become my alarm clock. Not much of an afterlife, I suppose. I hope they give you something better to do soon.

It might be easier to deal with if I believed in ghosts or some sort of life after death. I could talk to you then. People pray, don't they. Maybe I could talk to your soul, or something. I don't know. And you'd like that, wouldn't you.

If it was the other way round, you'd be going to séances and on ouija boards or something. Or just talking to me in some private moment.

But I can't, mum. I wish I could.

No. Basically, as far as I'm concerned, I'm sat here talking to myself.

Except that I've got nothing to say.

This is going just great, isn't it.

After your mum died, you said you used to see her at the end of the bed and stuff. I wonder if you had long chats into the night or whether you just lay there, looking at her?

If you appeared to me now, like that, I think I'd just break down. I'd probably shout 'mum' first. I can picture that but then nothing. Maybe some tears. I can't picture what I'd say, though.

Just mum.

I had a dream the other night that we were sat watching TV talking for hours. It was really nice, just the two of us. Then I realised why dad wasn't there. In my dream dad had died instead of you.

As soon as I realised I broke down, saying, 'dad's dead, mum. Dad's dead.'

The first time I woke up hearing you shout my name ? I mean the first time after you died ? I really thought you were downstairs. It wasn't that I'd forgotten you were dead. It was just that you sounded as if you were at the bottom of the stairs. And for a split second I thought you were there.

I was puzzled for a moment, knowing that you were dead and also thinking that I'd just heard you wake me up.

The second time it happened I was more disappointed because I knew straight away that it was just in my head.

Like this, I suppose.

Except I can't hear your voice. Actually, I can't even imagine what your voice sounds like anymore. I can recognise ft when I hear it in my head, but I can't conjure it up. I don't think I could imitate you.

I remember your laugh, though.

It's a bit like mine, I think. Head back, mouth gaping, eyes wide open.

There's a photo of me as a toddler laughing on the sofa. I look like you in that one. It's your laugh.